Heaven is What You Make of Now

My weary heart knows better than to wish you’ll come showing up at my door. I told you that night, “ if you ever need me. Call and I’ll come running.” I never expected you to call me in the same night. I never expected you to trust me with yourself, I never expected you to cross paths with me.

“ it’s too easy, it’s too good to be true.”

“ We’re very different people..”

“ I have to do this alone..”

Reflecting back on the events that occurred, I wonder if it was easy because of the connection we have or was it because I was a comfortable choice to latch on to. Perhaps I was nothing more and nothing less than that.

“ I miss her. However I wouldn’t want to create circumstances just for her to see me. I’d want her to see me out of her volition. It wouldn’t be the same if it was forced.”

In the beginning, you put so much effort in to spend time with me. I wouldn’t mind being the reason why you were happy again. I selfishly wish you wanted me to be apart of your life and as I do mine. I wish that was enough,

         I’m so accustomed to saying no to my inner child now. The hopeless romantic in me will hope you’ll show up at my doorstep. It’s hoping that if I put the ringer on loud, that it’s made for specifically you. I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but i’d smile knowing i’d see you again. 

Everything happens for a reason.

         People’s lives are intertwined by fate, yet unraveled just the same. Life comes down to many moments that are planned, spontaneous ones that aren’t, and, I’ve enjoyed every moment being by your side. 

                  Of the norm, I’ve been restless throughout my life. My eyes dilate as trouble approaches and My hair grays as I go about furthering my ambition. As I understood more and more of the little sentiments that life had to offer, I was often captivated by the idea of intimacy and affection. However, just as time is lost, intellect is gained.

                    From a logical standpoint, I saw love, compassion as a waste of time. Something that always came to an definite end. And a painful end at best, tears are shed, and trust becomes mutilated beyond recognition. I’ve always asked myself, “why would anyone want to put themselves through this, what do you gain from setting yourself up for failure over and over again?”

         From that point on, I mutilated the perception of affection and love so it would only work towards my advantage. If I was a savage beast, and love was a helpless victim, I would have blood spilled ten-fold on my behalf. As I trend deeper and deeper into the abyss, I almost lost myself. Furthermore, I was pleased with who I was until that one moment, everything just clicked.

           It was as if some cruel god waited until I was in too deep to save myself, knowing that if I was any more of a fool, I was destined to be struck down with karma’s vengeance. I pleaded with my chances asking for another to understand what I deemed unworthy before. Just as I walked away from Armageddon abused and battered, a new light appeared.

    I surrendered my daunting beliefs and focused on nothing more than slumber. Unconscious to who I was, dreaming towards who I am and with. You see, even though she learned of my animosity towards others, she believed there was still good within me.

                     Perhaps she’s a fool for believing that she could change me into a better man. However, I gave it a chance, attempting to understand differently what I couldn’t comprehend before. Eventually, she grew on me. Her traits became something I fell for and I found myself rising towards her expectations wanting more than just her approval. I wanted to make her happy, going out of my own way just make her day a little brighter.  I found myself at her mercy now and I was worrisome of losing her. As I lie in slumber next to her presence, I realized I wouldn’t have it any other way.

      Her lips grazed my forehead and clung onto the curvatures of my body, molding just perfectly against her own. She held on tight as if the world wasn’t holding her down anymore, I was.    

 As each dusk passes, the sun and the sky share a goodnight kiss. Just like the sun, I will embrace you just as you to me. The sun kisses the moon to shine a light for the lost souls to find solace in their hearts. Don’t fret darling I know it’s dark, I’ll guide the way. When dawn approaches, my heart’s embrace belongs to you once more. If you ever ponder the day our bond anguishes, it is the day when the sun is no more.

         Being able flesh out the thoughts convoluting my mind is a necessity for me. My thoughts are usually perceived as organized chaos to most, however I’ve always in control of them. I’ve always been able to detach, decompartmentalize, and reconfigure them in a way that made the most sense never having to revisit the same concern twice. When it comes to my work ethic, navigating social environments, or hobbies I find interest with; I usually do extremely well regardless of the scenarios I’m thrown into. 

             Being able to think a million miles a hour and not be bogged down by the insignificant details that most would take a second look back and hesitate is liberating. Realizing what’s a lost cause or a waste of time prevents unwarranted burdens that most others would shoulder. Taken to an extreme, it can be cold, calculating, and perhaps even self debilitating in terms of personal growth. 

            I haven’t revisited that part of myself in such a long time because I grew to fear it. It was an outer shell that I wanted no part of because it hurt so many closest to me. That shell was a survival tactic, a defense mechanism my heart committed to protecting my mind, heart, and soul. I feared it because it consumed me to the point where I found no joy or excitement in life. I felt nothing for the longest time until that shell that I thought was invincible started to crack. The inner child who wanted to be loved and saw the people he cared about disappearing from his life was screaming at the top of his lungs to be freed. I succumbed to my demons to be able to feel again. It wasn’t before losing aspects or things I took pride in, my identity you could say. Layer by layer were stripped away, I sunk deeper into the darkness until I was surrounded by it. 

            When I met you, I just finished building the foundational pieces to myself again. I was rebuilding from the ground up and I wanted to become someone that didn’t have to depend on that shell to become successful or a part of someone I’m proud of. 

I didn’t expect you to be such a significant part of my life, I’d hope I was the same for you. However, I learned hope is a waste of English language and time. Hope gave my inner child ideals of a hopeless romantic. Hope propelled my decision that day to get on the plane after you told me couldn’t see the future with me anymore. Before you, I never imagined relationships were comparable to how romantic movies and love stories turned out. Yet, you were the first I was able to do that with. 

                I told myself that I wouldn’t waste my time loving another unless I could see that individual as not only my lover, but as my best friend, and my partner. I didn’t want to only show parts of myself that someone would want to see deeming valuable. I wanted to show all of me, good or bad. My inner child wanted to love you for what it’s worth. I guess I can figure out now why I never saw sex as just sex. I wanted to share with you my soul as fragmented as it is hoping you’d cherish it closely to yours as yours is to mine. 

I’ve learned not to allow my inner child dwell on what ifs because it’s unhealthy to hold it against myself. I can only learn to be better for myself to not do that again especially if it’s with someone I love deeply. Losing you or your faith in us wasn’t worth my pride. 

       Every single time my mind attempts to show me a door that the shell of  past me would walk through to stop hurting from this as the easy way out, my inner child shows me in perfect detail of moments we’ve shared together either on the phone or in person. When presented the idea that I wouldn’t be the man who gets to wake up next to you ever again, my heart physically hurts to the point I have to detach for a couple of hours before I can breathe again. 

      When you told me you couldn’t see us being together anymore because the distance was too much and I was at Kasey’s house 10 minutes away from yours, and you still wouldn’t choose to fight for us. That realization crippled me. When I pressed on asking why we couldn’t try other ways to make it work rather than giving up, “ because I want to. because I can.” I recognized the look that I gave to someone else to hurt them. 

               To watch someone who’s never on her phone before spending time with me to always be on her phone when I was with her felt like I was of lesser importance than whatever occurred at the mall. I felt invalidated, insignificant to you. Although I love you, I never forgot how moments like these made me question if you were truly in love with me anymore. They were painful, but they were from you. If they were from anyone else, I wouldn’t typically have stood for it. 

        On December 8th, a memory I keep replaying in my mind, “ if you didn’t come all this way and kept pushing me, I would have cooled down and reconsidered trying again.” That’s not fair, I’m not someone you can just break up with and just want to try again at your convenience. 

         Before I got back on the plane going home, you told me. “ I’ll reach out to you when i’m ready.” You told me the same last night when I sent you that snap of myself saying that I hope that you’re okay and I miss you. I spent the entire day thinking about what that meant. I told myself, if the roles were reversed and if it was something that bothered her all day and I had the capability to rectify, i’d answer her worries out of respect as my best friend. 

    When I reached out to you sharing that concern, I realized that I was wrong. I wasn’t worth a text or a priority to attempt to help me figure out what you meant by that. I understand that you would have communicated with me tomorrow about it. However by then, my mind would have been unorganized again. Hearing your voice would have left me absentminded and happy to hear it again. Perhaps my definition of friendship and best friends is skewed. However this is taking in consideration I’ve been waiting for you to reach out to me and you haven’t said anything at all. If you can’t see a future that has us together, then I understand. That’s a pill that I’ll have to come to terms with swallowing. However, there wasn’t any closure for us to set boundaries to begin healing. I feel anxious wondering all this time what or how you feel towards me, because you’re not just a woman I dated. You’re someone I envisioned a future with, my lover, and my best friend. If i’m not just losing one, but all three, then I need to know.. If you’ve already moved on, then all I ask is this. Don’t respond to me out of pity or obligation. Do it because you want to. Do it because your heart wants to. 

       Even after all of these things being written out, you were and still are all the things I want in a partner. I’m hurt but I can forgive. I won’t forget, but it’s because my inner child still chooses to love you regardless. I’ve been hurt plenty of times much worse, so it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to see through and through again. I don’t regret any moment of my life since I met you. If we try again, we have to be patient, distance sucks, but giving up on what we have sucks so much more. 

         This may…or not may be the last letter i’ll write for a while. These are the words I wanted to say when I was there. These words are the words that run through my mind every night hours on end because you’re no longer by my side. I hope these words reach you. I write them to you vulnerable with sincerity. I just can’t wait any more if there’s no open dialogue or communication from either one of us. I’m sorry for the pain i’ve caused. I’m not sorry for loving you as deeply as I have. 

I want to just reply goodnight and for that to be enough for me. I really do. Maybe I’m just asking for way too much. I just want to feel like I’m not a burden to talk to, or that wall between us is just in my head and were actually okay. It just sucks, I miss you so much.

I know you’re too tired to talk to me or at this point you’re so tired talking to me would annoy you. I feel like all the things I just wrote are things you taught me I should keep to myself and never speak aloud.

A man once told me that it’s not about being able finding someone to have breathtaking moments everyday. It’s about cherishing the simplicity and routine of loving someone who makes you feel whole, feeding one another’s souls with passion and makes even the most boring moments enjoyable. That’s who you are me, and forever will be.

I wanted to achieve Masters for myself more than anything else because I’ve been so passionate about this game and everything that has come along with it. My stream has been steadily growing even though I’ve been drained and stressed from work. I met wonderful people, making friends along the way this past year. Seldomly, I still wish you were here to see what I’ve achieved up until this point. Yet as life moves forward, so will I.

                I heard from a friend you were dating someone new. She showed me a picture of the two of you. My chest squeezed my heart for just a moment. I looked over to your face as your arms were intertwined with his, your smile was beaming. I’m happy for you. I hope you’re safe during the winter storm and that you’re taking care of yourself.

2/17/2021

I wonder which one is love. Hoping that you’re worrying about me like I am for you, and wishing that you’re pining for me like I do for you. Is this love?

On the other hand, is it wishing that you won’t be worried about me, that you’ll forget about me and all the moments we’ve shared? Is that love?

If it’s neither, is it love that I’m willing to go through everything from the very beginning just so that I can meet you once again?

2:23 PM 1-24-2021

You can date and hang out with other people as if nothing happened. But, don’t be lonely ever again. I won’t be by your side, but I will always hope that you won’t be lonely. Be happy until the end of your life. I would be grateful if you did that.

Back then, I didn’t want to live. I thought it would be nice to spend my final moments in places with beautiful scenery. When I visited these places, I realized I did not want to die. I just didn’t want to live. I just needed some consolation. I’d never live a life where I could be loved by those whom I love, but I still wanted to hear someone say that I could live and that I must keep on living.

11:57pm 1-21-21

This time last year you surprised me with a webcam pushing me to start streaming. A year later, I still stream almost everyday because I’m happy with what I’ve created and making a difference in people’s lives who watch my stream. You made my Christmas wonderful. I hope you have a great Christmas even if I’m not apart of your life anymore.

Merry Christmas.

I think this song now represents what we had. I was just a chapter in your life, and that’s okay. I’ve come to terms with that realization. We were just pit stops in fate’s timeline to one another.

“Give me your loneliness and I’ll give you mine

Leave all your tears by your bedside and let’s live a night

I know you feel a mess and your pillow won’t dry

Come lay on me instead and pay no mind

To the voice in your head

Pulling old memories

Making their circles around your bed

Late AM is always when they always try and start their run

So come to me where no demons come

Give me your loneliness and I’ll give you mine

Leave all your tears by your bedside and let’s live a night

I know you feel a mess and your pillow won’t dry

You could come lay on me instead for a night

So the pillows

Dry themselves off

and

we can go home

after

This is all done

and

wet them once more

We’ll

live all night long

and We can go home

after

This is all done

and

Keep hoping for more

Come over, tell me bout it

Come closer, dance around what you wanted to say

But I know what you came for, give you what you came for

Shorty know better than to tempt me

Imma give it every way you tell me to

Imma take it slow like candy

Baby girl let me know if you wanna take two

Side to side with it

Ride or die with it, you don’t gotta hide with it

Way to many options, you need something constant

You need something that you can hold on to

Till then I’ll hold onto you”

https://youtu.be/ES7krEgbXGw

10:22am